“Not even Jean-Paul the second earned this one, and he was our buddy!” exclaimed excited NAE member Debbie Marsh, who had eagerly awaited the news after coordinating a national letter-writing campaign pitching the idea to the organization’s leaders.
Her husband Wayne was somewhat less excited. “I just went along because it’s been getting embarrassing,” he muttered. “I mean, the guy’s been on the cover of more Christian magazines lately than Billy Graham and Jerry Falwell put together! If we’re gonna exalt him that much, he ought to at least sort of be one of us.”
Bono’s rejection of structured religion and penchant for salty language on national TV don’t seem to bother Debbie. “What are we supposed to do? Let those darn candle-burning relevant emergents have him all to themselves? I can care about poor sick Africans too!”
A source higher in the NAE, speaking on condition of anonymity, expressed bewilderment and frustration at the recent groundswell of support and acceptance for Bono. “I honestly don’t know what these people are thinking. Can’t they get behind Steven Curtis Chapman or somebody? After all, he was adopting foreign babies way before Brangelina … isn’t that a good enough cause
for us any more? Why do we have make this guy a hero?”Whether it’s the sexy (red) sunglasses or the cool accent or a combination of both, Bono does seem to have gained an unprecedented amount of popularity with an audience previously not open to his charms. A quick internet search turns up homemade graphics superimposing his face over crosses, and even unlicensed merchandise with slogans like “w.w.b.d.?” According to an Island records spokesman, the company has been approached by multiple Christian retail chains hoping to distribute the next U2 project. This may be due to rampant speculation on the online discussion board “Be like Jesus: be like Bono” that the singer and his mates plan to release a collection of ancient hymns complete with the Edge’s signature soaring guitars. The same record company spokesman says such rumors are “just downright silly.” In fact, there is evidence longtime U2 fans are increasingly annoyed with his
latest pursuits.“It’s great to see him getting the extra attention and all … but he’s just so boring now,” said Joe Frazee, a longtime fan who claims to have seen U2 on every U.S. tour they’ve ever done. “It seems like all he wants to do is preach about helping people and stuff. Why can’t he just rock out like the old days? Surely the lyrics of “Pride” – heck, the whole Joshua Tree album! - were enough of a constructive cultural contribution for any man.”
But back at the Marsh home, it doesn’t seem that Bono is going anywhere anytime soon. “We’re actually hoping that this ‘honorary evangelical’ title will be the beginning of something … kind of like how some folks want to amend constitution so a foreign-born person like Governor Schwarzenegger can be president.” Debbie giggles at her husband’s rolled eyes. “Oh come on, Wayne! It’s not like we’re trying to expand the trinity or something! Although now that I think about it …”
JL
Note: The previous post is completely fictitious satire. Any similarity to actual people and events, however, is completely intentional. And the originals of the images contained herein are probably copyrighted by someone else.
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